My Top 10 Favorite Bands (Ranked By Me): Number 3

Today’s band didn’t invent heavy metal, but by all accounts they are the first true heavy metal band…



Our Top 10 Favorite Bands list brings us all the way to Number 3.  If you’ve missed any of the previous entries be sure to check out the links to the posts at the bottom of the page.  Today’s band didn’t invent heavy metal, but by all accounts they are the first true heavy metal band…



3. Judas Priest


Experts on the genre often argue about who invented heavy metal.  Some say Led Zeppelin, with their brash guitar riffs, thundering drums, and swaggering high pitched front man developed the blue print for glam heavy metal bands like Van Halen to follow for years to come.  Others agree it was Black Sabbath, who appealed to the darker, more sinister side of the musical spectrum that inspired the likes of Metallica and Megadeth.  While there is some discussion about who started heavy metal, there is almost no argument that Judas Priest perfected it.

Everything about Priest is metal to the core.  From the sound to the look to the attitude; it was as if you took everything metal about both Sabbath and Zeppelin and cranked it up ten fold.  If you think I’m joking, try this: go to YouTube and look up the opening track off of their 1982 masterpiece, Screaming For Vengeance.  The song is called “Electric Eye” and has an intro track titled “The Hellion.”  The way that those first notes hit you passes what I like to call the “alien test.”  If an alien were to drop down on this planet and ask what heavy metal sounds like, I’d play them those two tracks.

Here is “The Hellion/Electric Eye” for your listening pleasure…

Anyway, where was I?  Right!  Judas Priest personified the sound AND look of heavy metal that many bands copied for decades to come.  The affinity for leather and studs (which ironically stems from singer Rob Halford’s then-closeted homosexuality) inspired entire generations to adopt the look.  In the hyper masculine culture that is heavy metal, no one batted an eyelash when Halford strutted on stage in what amounted to the aftermath of a shopping spree at an S&M shop.  This, coupled with the fact that many metal purists became outraged at the “Hair Metal” movement of the 1980’s, i.e. dudes dressing up like chicks, while Priest routinely dressed in San Fran Pride Parade attire is actually mildly hysterical.  Believe me, as a huge metal fan, the humorous irony has not been lost on me.


Priest’s sound can be attributed to two distinct factors.  For one, the twin lead guitar stylings of Glenn Tipton and K.K. Downing were, at the time, insanely innovative.  Whatever the two guitarists were doing in the mid to late 70’s, no one sounded quite as metallic as they did.  The second factor stems from Rob Halford’s shrieking vocals.  As far as heavy metal front men, Rob Halford was and still is peerless.  Only a handful of vocalists could do what he did and still continues to do on a nightly basis.  Tipton, Downing, and Halford were partly responsible for so many heavy metal bands and fans (myself included) becoming enamored with the genre, that a 1,000 word essay on a free-to-run website only scratches the surface of my gratitude towards them.


Best Album(s) – Defenders of The Faith/Turbo (1984/1986)

By 1984, Judas Priest had 8 albums and a live LP to their name, so they could have just stopped there and would probably still have been rock and roll legends.  Luckily for my purposes, they didn’t.  Defenders of The Faith is a straightforward metal affair that houses some of Priest’s fastest material; almost like a proto-thrash record.  Songs like “Jawbreaker” and “Freewheel Burning” represent the speed and aggression seen on earlier records like Stained Class, but with an even heavier metallic finish.  The record is considered a fan favorite and is seen as the band’s finest hour.

By contrast, Priest released Turbo just two years later to (and this is putting it mildly) mixed reviews.  The use of synthesizers and a more melodic sound alienated Priest purists, as they saw the record as a sign of JP “selling out.”  I, however, could not be happier with the album.  Turbo sees Judas Priest at its most fun stage of the 80’s.  The musical landscape in 1986 was dominated by pop-metal, so Turbo was just Priest altering its sound accordingly.  Tracks like “Locked In,” “Turbo Lover,” and “Reckless” were anthemic and musically dynamic while still keeping with the aggressive undertones Priest had developed over the years.  Music is supposed to be, at the end of the day, enjoyable, and Turbo represented an ultimately lighter side of the band I couldn’t help but fall in love with.

Both of these albums are phenomenal and posses most of my favorite Judas Priest songs. They are the ultimate Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde in terms of contrasting styles within a band, but I find myself jiving equally with both.  All in all, it doesn’t get much better than mid 80’s Judas Priest.


Worst Album – Jugulator (1997)


Woof!  After Judas Priest released the critically acclaimed Painkiller in 1990, it seemed as though the boys were going to transition into the 90’s better than most of their metal brethren.  Then came the shocking news that metal legend Rob Halford was leaving and the band went on hiatus.  After finding a replacement for Halford in Tim “Ripper” Owens, Priest released Jugulator in 1997.  The album feels like Korn and Limp Bizkit snuck into the Judas Priest recording studio late one night and ever so slightly screwed with the master recordings of the songs for the upcoming record.  It’s equal parts nu-metal and groove metal and it just isn’t very good.  Oh, and that album cover really is that pixilated.  That isn’t an upload error, it actually looks like that.  I like to think some thirteen year old came up with the album title and then made the accompanying cover art on “MS Album Cover Creator 95,” but I digress.


Strongest Member- Rob Halford (Lead Vocals)


We will start with the obvious: the voice.  Rob Halford’s signature screech is quite possibly the most recognizable voice in all of heavy metal.  His range is fantastic and powerful and every word of every song leaves his mouth with purpose, swagger, and conviction.  In addition to being the voice of Judas Priest, he is also 1/3 of the writing trio on almost every single Priest song from the beginning of the band’s inception.  That alone should be enough to net him top honors on this list, but I would be remiss if I didn’t address the fact that Halford is also the creator of the metal uniform.  Leather is so synonymous with hard rock and heavy metal of the 70’s and 80’s, and all of those bands have one man to thank.  Rob Halford IS Judas Priest, and he should be celebrated accordingly.


Weakest Member – Pretty Much Any Drummer

dave holland

Halford, Tipton, and Downing wrote pretty much every song you or anyone else has ever heard by Judas Priest, and Ian Hill is a jazz-trained bass player and competent backing vocalist who is also responsible for Rob Halford joining the band.  That leaves the revolving door of drummers, Spinal Tap style, in the wake.  With the drumming on Painkiller aside, Judas Priest was never known as a band for their outstanding drumming.  It was always a solid backbone that never got in the way of the virtuoso stylings of Downing and Tipton or overshadowed Halford’s soaring vocals.  No, it was the journeyman type effort of all parties involved that lead to whomever the fifth member of Judas Priest was at the time plugging away at the sticks.  If I had to split hairs and pick a single member it would be Dave Holland (above), as he is the most well known and appears on all my favorite Priest albums being nothing more than a glorified studio musician.  Also, he was arrested in 2004 for attempted rape of an underaged high school boy with a learning disability.  Although he maintained his innocence up until his death less than a month ago, those kinds of things never truly go away.

My Top 10 Favorite Bands (Ranked by Me): Number 4

Today’s band hails from Boston and is often considered the greatest New Wave group of all time…


Our Top 10 Favorite Bands list brings us all the way to Number 4.  If you’ve missed any of the previous entries be sure to check out the links to the posts at the bottom of the page.  Today’s band hails from Boston and is often considered the greatest New Wave group of all time…


4. The Cars


In the aftermath of the explosion that was Punk Rock in the mid to late 70’s, a new genre started to take shape.  It saw the upbeat energy of punk bands like The Ramones and The Sex Pistols meet the more intricate nuances of arena/synth outfits such as Styx and REO Speedwagon to create New Wave.  Much like many of the other bands on this list, The Cars could be placed within a certain genre, in this case New Wave, but were always so much more than what met the eye.

By definition, The Cars had the punky style and synth dominant hooks it took to be considered New Wave.  However, the subject material even on some of their more “experimental” albums like Panorama never ventured into weird enough waters like The Talking Heads, for instance.  No, The Cars had the best of both worlds: cerebral enough for synth snobs to salivate, but accessible enough for the rock community at large to welcome them with open arms.  They straddled the line of “indie misfits” and “arena ready hit-makers” with glorious aplomb.

That’s not to say some of their material wasn’t eclectic.  Hell, even a vast majority of tracks off of the aforementioned Panorama, a personal favorite of mine, were really off putting and at times very skippable.  These guys were, after all, a New Wave band so it made sense that some of their tunes had to be a bit, uh, experimental.

China Olympics Beijing Water Cube Bird's Nest

The main reason I hold this group in such high regard is because of their attention to detail.  Every song had to be painstakingly crafted at an almost cellular level.  The songwriting duo of Ric Ocasek and Benjamin Orr could probably be considered one of the most underrated pairings in rock history.  Not only that, but their music translated very well into a live format, which is no small feat for a band whose songs had so many moving parts.  The layered synths, the subtle mixing of guitars, the vocal harmonies, it all seemed like studio magic.  Yet if you YouTube any of their live performances (which I recommend you do so) they sound so clean.  It was all of these factors coupled with the dichotomous singing relationship of Orr’s haunting vocals and Ocasek’s hiccup-y delivery that made The Cars such a dynamic (and fun) band.


Best Album(s) – Candy-O/Panorama (1979/1980)

While they don’t posses the radio-friendly grab bag of hits that albums like The Cars or Heartbeat City hold, Candy-O and Panorama more than make up for it with their punky attitude and infectious grooves.  These albums ooze swagger and are infinitely more angsty than their immediate predecessor, The Cars, but still have a significant amount of pop sheen to them.  These records toe that line so well of still being accessible enough for pop fans to find them catchy while more hard rock fans will appreciate the edge they bring.  Songs like “Dangerous Type” off of Candy-O and “Running to You” on Panorama have a lethal blend of both syncopated, distorted guitar riffs with cool synth licks and great harmonies.  Neither one is a perfect album, but together they represent, in my opinion, the apex of early 80’s synth rock.


Worst Album – Door to Door (1987)


Just three years prior to the release of Door to Door, The Cars had reached the height of popularity with their seminal 1984 synth classic, Heartbeat City.  The album was polished beyond all belief and had 6 hit singles.  It’s a personal favorite of mine and to this day I still enjoy listening to it end to end.  Apparently, members of The Cars didn’t feel the same way, because 1987’s Door to Door was a complete departure from the glossy production that rocketed them to superstardom just a few years earlier.  Door to Door isn’t a bad record by any means, but after the first 5 albums the band had created, this one feels like a huge let down.  If anything it probably showed the public at large that the group of five from Boston was on life support, creatively.  In 1988, the group disbanded and Benjamin Orr died in 2000 after a brief battle with cancer, meaning Door to Door was the last hurrah of the original Cars lineup.


Strongest Member(s) – Benjamin Orr (Bass, Vocals)/Ric Ocasek (Rhythm Guitar/Vocals)

Ric Ocasek and Ben Orr of The Cars in London November 16,1978

They were the perfect duo to front a band.  One was a blonde haired pretty boy and the other was… well whatever the hell Ric Ocasek is.  It went way beyond their looks, too.  Ocasek and Orr had the Yin/Yang thing down to an art form.  Orr crooned with an icy cool delivery, almost haunting you with his vocal styles, while Ocasek sounded very jumpy and almost robotic.  But my god, did it work!  Not only did they split duties as lead singers, but the writing process in The Cars was all but cornered by the pair.  Every single album reeks of Ocasek and Orr songwriting credits and there are rumors that Ocasek dictated what the lead guitarists’ solos sounded like down to the very note.  You can call it a bit overbearing but that nearly psychotic attention to detail is what made these two so great and yet so under-appreciated as musicians.


Weakest Member – David Robinson (Drums)


This one feels a bit unfair, as Robinson was a perfectly fine drummer in his own right, but it is hard to put anyone else in the band in this dubious position.  Ocasek and Orr co-fronted the band, Greg Hawkes was the keyboard player (which in a synth-rock/new wave band is kind of important), and Elliot Easton was somewhat of an underground (read: very underground) guitar hero.  To top it off, the drums on Heartbeat City are almost completely electronic and dubbed over, a fact that made Robinson rather irate and caused him to almost quit the band after hearing the finished product.  Mr. Robinson is not without his contributions, as he did come up with the name “The Cars” and was responsible for some of the band’s most iconic album art, including the cover of their eponymous debut (below).


My Top 10 Favorite Bands (Ranked by Me): Number 5


In the countdown of My Top 10 Favorite Bands (as ranked by me), we have made it to number 5.  If you have missed any of the last bands ranked, be sure to check out the previous posts.  Today’s band hails from Ireland and is known (however tragically so) for only one album.  Allow me to enlighten you…


5. Thin Lizzy


Often times on this blog, I like to throw around the word “underrated.”  Never has this been a more apropos judgement of a band than with Thin Lizzy.  Formed in 1969 by bassist/lead singer Phil Lynott and drummer Brian Downey, Thin Lizzy never got the respect they deserved, at least on an international level.  The members are considered heroes in their hometown of Dublin, but beyond the confines of the green cliffs of Ireland, Lizzy is the oft forgotten girl in glasses to many other rock cheerleaders (if you catch my analogous drift).

I’m not kidding either.  Ask anyone who consider themselves a fan of the genre to name one song by Thin Lizzy that didn’t come off of their 1976, lightning-in-a-bottle offering Jailbreak, which featured classics such as “The Boys Are Back in Town,” “Emerald,” and the title track.  I doubt the person you asked will be able to accomplish the feat.  To only ever listen to Jailbreak is to do yourself and the legacy of the band a huge disservice.  For starters, I wouldn’t even consider “Boys are Back” as one of their top 20 tunes of all time.  But I digress, the band is more than just a one-hit wonder.


The group had a smattering of “classic” Lizzy tracks as far back as their 1973 breakthrough Vagabonds of the Western World, but in my humble opinion the band didn’t achieve their signature sound of poetic/crooning hard rock until 1975’s Fighting.  It was there that Lizzy started to hone the iconic twin lead guitar playing, anchored heavily by Scott Gorham.  After 1976, Thin Lizzy released classic album after classic album, including a live LP, Live and Dangerous, that by all accounts should be considered a Top 5 live record.

My main theory as to why Thin Lizzy is considered underrated and often overlooked in the eyes of hard rock and heavy metal fans can probably be chalked up to just how ambitious they were as musicians.  Take any album after Fighting into account: every record had straightforward hard rock bangers, Irish folk songs, and acoustic ballads littered about.  Even swing appeared on some, in the case of “Dancing in the Moonlight.”  If Thin Lizzy had stuck to what they were good at, hard rock songs with dual lead guitars backing up Lynott’s charismatic vocals, they could’ve been out of this world.  But perhaps, it was this approach that made Lizzy so unique in the first place.  Who’s to say…


Best Album – None


Look, I get it.  Thin Lizzy is one of my favorite bands, but I don’t have a favorite album of theirs?  Yeah pretty much!  For the exact reasons I stated in the last paragraph, Lizzy bounced around genres so often on every album that it was nearly impossible to get into a groove on any of their records.  One minute you’d be listening to Ireland’s answer to Aerosmith or Ted Nugent, and the next you’d have to sit through 8 minutes of an Irish folk song or listen to Thin Lizzy try their hands at a country ballad.  It was all very off-putting for someone who really appreciated Lizzy’s hard rock sensibilities.  That being said, Bad Reputation, Black Rose: A Rock Legend, and Chinatown have some absolutely classic Lizzy bangers and are worth checking out.


Worst Album – Thin Lizzy (1971)


Seeing as how this is Thin Lizzy’s debut LP, it gets a pass for being wildly disjointed and boring.  It’s pretty much your standard, early 70’s blues rock affair and sounds nothing like the Thin Lizzy we all know and love.  If you were to listen to “Ray Gun” off of this album then immediately cut to “Cold Sweat” from Thunder and Lightning, you’d swear you were hearing to two different bands.  It’s fair: bands evolve!  Thin Lizzy is no exception to this rule, but along with most of the other records from the pre-Jailbreak days, I’d steer clear of this puppy.


Strongest Member – Phil Lynott (Lead Singer/Bassist)


Phil Lynott WAS Thin Lizzy.  I talked so much about the twin lead guitars in this ranker, but I would be absolutely remiss if I didn’t give proper kudos to old Phil here.  Not only was he a great frontman and more than adequate bass player, he was a phenomenal songwriter.  Every single one of my favorite Lizzy tunes has Lynott being the principle writer.  His melodic sensibilities and crooning delivery made every song have both a bad boy edge and certain softness to it.  Lynott passed away due to drug use in 1986, thus ending the band’s run in its classic incarnation and proving in the process that he was indeed the driving force behind Thin Lizzy’s brilliance.


Weakest Member – Eric Bell (guitar)


I have nothing against Eric Bell.  He’s a fine guitarist and had some pretty good work on some of Thin Lizzy’s earlier songs, particularly “The Rocker,” a personal favorite of mine.  Therein lies the problem, however, as Bell was only a member of Thin Lizzy during their early years, and thus is associated with the band before they became a hard rock machine.  Things started to turn around for Lizzy, musically speaking, when they brought in guys like Gorham and Brian Robertson to do twin lead guitars.  It is by that logic alone that I must “award” Mr. Bell this spot.

4 Sides of the Same Coin: KISS Solo Albums Ranked


KISS.  Four letters, one kickass band.  If you were alive (no pun intended) in the mid to late 70’s, you know exactly who these 4 gentlemen are.  KISS were a cultural phenomenon back in the 1970’s and for a few brief years it seemed as if they were destined to ride the fame coaster for as long as the theme park was open.  A series of ill-fated career moves, however, derailed the thrill ride for the New York quartet and eventually sent 2 of the key members packing their bags by the turn of the decade.  Chief among those now head-scratching decisions were the TV movie “KISS Meets The Phantom of The Park,” the disco romp “I Was Made For Loving You,” and the toothless Peter Criss penned ballad “Beth.”

It is often argued, though, that the beginning of the end for our favorite men-in-makeup was a decision that seemed almost laughably foolproof at the time.  Let’s set the stage.  The year is 1978 and KISS is soaring to heights even bands like Led Zeppelin and The Who hadn’t achieved.  A 1977 Gallup Poll ranked KISS the number 1 band in America and few could argue.  The boys had just come off selling 4 consecutive platinum records and had just released Alive II, the live album follow-up to Alive, which started the platinum streak only a few years earlier.  Things couldn’t have been going any better, or at least that’s how it seemed to the millions of adoring fans on the outside looking in.  Unbeknownst to almost everyone removed from the inner circle of the band, cracks were starting to form both creatively and personally.


What is common knowledge today was once a closely guarded secret in 1978: KISS was imploding from the inside thanks in large part to the factions forming within.  On one side, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, two cold blooded and calculated hit makers worried about fame, fortune, and females.  Their allegiances were only to making popular songs and bedding as many women as they could get their leather clad hands on.  On the other side, Peter Criss and Ace Frehley, a duo with the propensity to dabble in alcohol and cocaine, respectively, but whose creative chops were often stifled by Lords Stanley and Simmons.  And thus, the die had been cast; Criss and Frehley felt they were being tied down, musically speaking, while Simmons and Stanley believed as if they themselves were the creative forces behind the magic of KISS.

Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons were nothing if not shrewd and intelligent businessmen and they knew if they let Ace and Peter walk at the height of KISS’ popularity, their pocketbooks would take the brunt of the blow.  So, what’s the first thing anyone thinks to do in a failing relationship?  Hire an escort, erm, I mean compromise!


By the beginning of ’78, the 4 members of KISS each entered the studio separately to record their own “KISS” album.  The 4 records were all uniquely individual and contained (for the most part) a few hidden classics that hardcore KISS fans hold near and dear to their hearts.  Each album represented the 4 musicians’ idea of what a KISS album should sound like.  The records are certainly not created equal and today I’ll be diving into the meat of these LP’s to deliver my rankings from worst to first.  These are rather subjective rankings but I have listened to all four albums end to end and from most of the articles I’ve come across in preparation for writing this ranker, my opinions seem to be pretty congruent to theirs give or take a few observations.  So without any more exposition…


4. Peter Criss (The “Weak” One)


Remember when Rod Stewart went through that cheesy 70’s, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” phase?  Congratulations, that’s Peter Criss almost entirely.  Seriously, the album reeks of equal parts 70’s schlock and old-time rock n roll tunes that sound like Bob Seger cast-offs.  I guess there really isn’t anything wrong with that but still, this is the drummer for KISS we are talking about here, not some second rate lounge singer/disco chump.  I read the reviews for this one before listening to it and I was still shocked at how wimpy it sounded.  Just imagine the ire of a denim-clad high school stoner when he opens the shrink wrap on Christmas morning expecting a kickass American hard rock staple only to find this.


Not many, if we are being frank.  “That’s The Kind of Sugar Papa Likes,” moronic title notwithstanding, is a passable rockabilly tune but beyond that there isn’t much to get excited about.  I turned the album off about 3 tracks in and just looked up which songs got the most praise.  I know, not exactly journalistic integrity but I’m writing this on a WordPress blog, so I wasn’t about to sit through Peter Criss for free.


The entire album, as noted in the above paragraphs, has this whole “70’s R&B/Rod Stewart moonlighting as a lounge singer” feel to it.  I read somewhere that Criss was a few years older than the rest of his KISS brethren and his tastes were more 50’s doo-wop than hard rock.  If that is indeed the case, this album shows it from start to finish.  If you’re into that sort of thing, then this record isn’t necessarily bad, but from a KISS fan’s perspective it certainly doesn’t live up to the lofty expectations set by the previous albums the band released.  Whether that is a fair or unfair remains to be seen, but going into listening to this album with expectations set to “hard rock banger,” I was greatly disappointed.


3. Gene Simmons (The “Meh” One)


I listened to this album in its entirety on the ride home from work the other day and initially I was pleasantly surprised.  A good portion of the time I found myself bopping along to the tunes on Gene Simmons, which consisted of what sounded like Simmons fronting an ELO cover-band and Beatles B-team love child.  But then as soon as I exited the car, I had forgotten pretty much every song I had heard.  This is one of the most mediocre albums I’ve ever listened to.  The entire record is filled with overdone pop-rock jaunts with way too many cooks in the kitchen.  On any song you can find strings, a piano, and perhaps even a B-list Hollywood celebrity (seriously, Katie Sagal from Married With Children does backing vocals for a track on this LP).  It’s a passable album and I made it all the way through without having to shut it off (a feat I can’t claim with the lowest album on this list) but it isn’t what I was expecting from The God of Thunder himself.


The album, as a whole, is a very average 70’s rock affair, and that isn’t a bad thing, per say.  “Radioactive” is a great opening track, copycat chorus aside (no kidding, this song sounds a near lawsuit level of similar to “Plaster Caster” from KISS’ Love Gun and if it wasn’t for the fact that Gene was one of the writers on that song, I think a court case could be made).  “Tunnel of Love” and “See You In Your Dreams” are both deliciously 70’s rock in all the right ways as well.  There may not be any super memorable tracks off this LP but it gets the job done as a “listenable” effort from Mr. Simmons.


And therein lies the problem: the album is “listenable” but not very memorable.  I honestly had to revisit the record while writing just to pick out my highlights and lowlights, and I had just recently heard the album a short time before.  “Living in Sin” has about as laughable an intro as you can imagine, with Simmons giving a breathy soliloquy containing gems like “I know you write my sexy letters” in a low growl.  The song isn’t great enough to make up for such a transgression.  And I would be absolutely remiss if I didn’t address the elephant in the room… “When You Wish Upon A Star” appears on this thing.  Yeah, the Disney song!  It sounds just as awkward coming from Mr. Conquerer of 1,000 Women as you’d imagine and the album ends with that dud resonating throughout your eardrums.  All in all, Gene Simmons is a messy effort that holds up decently but don’t go diving through bargain bins expecting a gem.


2. Paul Stanley (The “Safe” One)


Let me just start off by saying this is a really good album.  I’ll stop just short of great, but Paul Stanley is a fun power-pop effort that Stanley swaggers about on from track to track.  You can tell he really had fun being the man in charge as every song is about no-strings-attached sex and cheap thrills, exactly what you’d expect from the androgynous ladies man.  The Star Child explores his writing prowess and although there are no standouts save for “Wouldn’t You Like To Know Me” and “Tonight You Belong To Me,” the album is fun and engaging.  The only reason I refer to it as “safe” is that it sounds almost too much like a KISS album, both to its benefit and detriment.


Stanley’s love for power-pop and hooky songwriting takes center stage on quite a number of tracks on this LP, but specifically “Wouldn’t You Like To Know Me.”  This song is energetic and anthemic from start to finish and it just sounds like it was a blast to write and record.  “Tonight You Belong To Me” is another wonderful frolic through power-pop town, complete with acoustic guitars gracing the intro before blasting into a full blown rocker, a la “Black Diamond.”  Fun is a word that gets thrown around often when describing Paul Stanley and it is justified, as this record offers plenty of entertaining moments throughout.


The album has an almost “routine” feel to it in certain parts, thanks to the preceding KISS records Stanley was a huge part of making.  Paul Stanley’s solo effort has KISS elements to it, which isn’t always a bad thing, but more often than not the album feels like it’s been done before.  I love KISS and I love Paul Stanley, but his solo album drags in certain parts and sometimes feels too “KISS-y” for its own good.  Don’t let that discourage you from giving this record a listen, but don’t expect to be floored from the needle drop all the way to the grooves on the B-side.



1. Ace Frehley (The “Holy *%@#” One)


Thank GOD for the Space Ace!  Where the other 3 albums felt too much or too little like KISS, this mad scientist of a songwriter found the happy valley between the two extremes.  Almost every track on this record is unique and entertaining without straying too far from the KISS secret formula: loud, ballsy guitar riffs? Check!  Entertaining albeit nonsensical lyrics? Check plus!  Detached yet endearing delivery from a coked up, surprisingly swaggering front man?  Big check there!  Ace Frehley brings the heat on his solo album and it was here that he solidified himself as my favorite (and many other’s favorite) member of KISS.


Ace starts things off with a bang, as “Rip It Out” is both sneakily heavy and surprisingly anthemic.  Other stalwarts like “Speeding Back To My Baby” and “Snowblind” have us questioning why Ace wasn’t given more creative control in the early days of KISS.  One of the true beauties of this effort is also one of the most simple tracks on the LP, Frehley’s romping rendition of “New York Groove,” a cover tune originally written by glam outfit Hello.  It captures Ace at his finest, an aloof yet dangerously potent rocker, and actually almost makes me want to visit a city I despise.  Frehley rips through each of these tracks like a man with something to prove, and we the listeners are all the beneficiaries.  Listen to this album however you can, because it can easily be considered one of the greatest KISS records ever produced, regardless of whether the rest of the band was behind Space Ace or not.


One word: “Ozone.”  It just doesn’t fit in with the rest of the tracks on the album and is missing the requisite energy and hunger of songs like “Rip It Out,” where you can feel Ace oozing confidence and unbridled stamina (possibly with cocaine involved too).  This really is the lone black mark on an otherwise magnificent hard rock banger from Ace Frehley.  This is without a doubt the clear winner of the 4 solo albums and as I stated in the previous paragraph, is my favorite KISS record along with Love Gun.  

Kiss Portrait


My Top 10 Favorite Bands (Ranked By Me): Number 10


If you’ve been following this blog at all, you probably could’ve guessed I am a pretty big fan of music.  Particularly, I’m a fan of rock music from the 70’s and 80’s.  You also probably guessed I love hearing myself talk.  But my love for music far outweighs my love for lengthy opening paragraphs, so I’ll keep it short.

Each day for the next 10 days I will be releasing a different band in a countdown of my favorite bands of all time.  Today will be number 10, tomorrow will be 9, etc.  Without any further delays, we start with a band that, by all accounts, flew through the 1980’s under the radar…


10.  Ratt

Ratt 1985

In the annals of the hair metal genre, many bands ended up being copycats of each other.  One need only listen to Kix, Brittny Fox, and then anything off of Cinderella’s first album Night Songs in succession and they will see exactly what I mean.  The three are almost impossible to differentiate.  Ratt was a different animal altogether (no pun, I promise).

Mixing early 80’s L.A. sleaze with souped up blues riffs, Ratt created a formula few could recreate.  Sure, on the surface Ratt looked like just another Sunset Strip glam metal outfit, but their songs were sneakily crafty and their sound was unique.  In terms of longevity, only Motley Crue enjoyed a longer heyday in the 1980’s than Ratt did, as every single one of their records released that decade achieved at least platinum status.

I love Ratt because they fill a happy medium many bands of the Reagan era could not; they never took themselves too seriously (Whitesnake), nor were they ever too goofy (Poison).  This was a band that had swagger, but also knew how to have a little fun and for that, they crack the top 10 of this “prestigious” list.

Best Album – Invasion of Your Privacy (1985)


Raise your hand if you had Ratt’s triple-platinum debut Out of the Cellar in this spot.  Congrats!  You’re wrong!  Anyone who can call themselves even a secondary fan of Ratt or hair metal in general would have to agree that it was Ratt’s sophomore effort that took everything Cellar did and amped it up 100 times.  Every song fits seamlessly together in an almost watered down rock opera sense, and the songs were as punchy and catchy as ever.  Guitarist Warren DeMartini’s “Joe Perry on steroids” riffing really comes alive on this record and I highly recommend it to anyone with a sweet tooth for 80’s pop-metal.

Worst Album – Detonator (1990)


It’s no secret that from a hair band’s perspective, Ratt ruled the 1980’s.  By the end of the decade, however, the band started to show some chinks in the armor.  1988’s Reach for the Sky sold well and sounded Ratt-y enough, but trained ears could tell it was a slight departure from the signature sound the quintet had honed over their first three albums. By the time the 90’s rolled around, Ratt was a shell of its former self.  Guitarist Robbin Crosby was either strung out on heroin or dope-sick from withdrawals every night of their tours and his performances suffered accordingly.  The rest of the band found themselves drawing lines in the sand with lead singer Stephen Pearcy, whose ego had become so large he was bordering on Axl Rose levels of obsessive creative control (meaning he had all and his bandmates had none).  The result was Detonator, a bloated effort that quietly saw the demise of Ratt as a heavy hitter in the hard rock industry; a sad end to a wonderful rags-to-riches-to-excess story (somewhat of an 80’s motif).

Strongest Member – Warren DeMartini


If you’re looking for slick hooks and catchy riffs, look no further than Ratt axe-man Warren DeMartini.  Hailed as the next decade’s answer to Joe Perry, DeMartini’s syncopated and groovy riffing melded perfectly with Pearcy’s gritty vocals and overtly sexualized lyrics.  Ratt’s lead guitarist embodied the cool confidence that the band carried with itself throughout the entirety of the 80’s.  Also, if we are splitting hairs here I probably could’ve put bassist Juan Croucier in this spot since he was the principle songwriter on almost all of the Ratt hits, but I’m a guitar player by trade so eat it, JC.

Weakest Member – Robin Crosby (Guitar)


To every yin there must be a yang.  For every glorious DeMartini “quadratic, hitman precision-esque” solo there exists a Crosby “7th grader with an electric guitar that just discovered the pentatonic scale” lick.  Allow me to simplify things.  In the early days of Ratt (1986 and before), Crosby and DeMartini used to trade off on soloing duties song by song.  If you go back and listen to those early Ratt records, its rather easy to guess who’s who when it comes time for the ever anticipated guitar solo spot.  Technical abilities aside, this all came to a screeching halt on the later albums, where Crosby became so debilitated by drug use that his already limited skills were on a rapid decline and DeMartini took on a permanent lead role.  Crosby was booted from the band after 1990 and contracted AIDS from using a dirty heroin needle.  He died in 2002, marking a permanent end to the original lineup.  Although he wasn’t the most talented, Crosby was still an important cog in the Ratt machine and is missed dearly in the rock community.




Album of the Week: Don Henley’s “Building The Perfect Beast”



In the aftermath of The Eagles’ break-up, each individual member was able to go their separate ways and try to cut it in the music industry as a solo act.  Joe Walsh was a seasoned vet, having albums with the James Gang and a solo career prior to joining the Eagles in 1976.  Glenn Frey and Don Felder were able to release singles such as “The Heat is On” and “Heavy Metal,” respectively.  None of the other Eagles, however, were able to hold a candle to their unofficial lead bird.

Don Henley was the unquestioned creative force behind a good chunk of the Eagles’ greatest hits.  A quick look at his post-Eagles career all but confirms this, as Henley was far and away the most successful out of all of his former bandmates.  Of all the songwriters to come out of the talent pool that was The Eagles, Henley was the hit-maker.


Henley released his first solo effort in 1982 entitled I Can’t Stand Still.  The album was a success and went gold on the back of the top 5 hit single “Dirty Laundry,” which peaked at number 3 on the charts.  It was a great start to Henley’s second career, but had hints of his former band in the DNA of a lot of the tracks.  In the Fall of 1984, Don Henley released his follow up, Building The Perfect Beast.  This sophomore effort would be sure to lay any qualms about his creative prowess to rest.




If I had to use one word to describe Beast, it would be “summer.”  The entire album is drenched in sunshine from top to bottom, and almost every track on here can transport you to different parts of summer.  A certain mix of melancholy and sweetness graces the album and brings you back to the long days and warm nights of youth.  It goes without saying, Building The Perfect Beast is summer incarnate.

A lot of this has to do with the way each song is structured.  The production quality has what I like to refer to as “80’s haze,” as songs such as “Sunset Grill” have very heavily layered synths, acting as kind of a rainforest canopy and trapping the sound.  It is hard to explain but listen to that song in particular and you will see what I mean.  It is a comparable phenomenon present in other 80’s songs like Berlin’s 1986 Top Gun soundtrack hit “Take My Breath Away.”  The hazy synths will almost make your speakers seem like they are dripping with dew.

With the humidity of 80’s haze present on some of the tracks, others take a more scaled down approach, production wise.  Some of the songs featured on Beast are very light and poppy boppers that feel like a day at the beach.  Others have very deep meanings and take a darker turn, while still keeping their sun-soaked vibe.  They still sound like summer, but perhaps in more of a “sunset drive down the beach, alone with your thoughts” type of feeling (what, don’t we all have those?).


This dichotomy makes for a very engaging and dynamic album.  The jump in maturity, both in songwriting and production quality, gives Henley and Beast all they need to make the perfect summer driving album.  These songs have a nostalgic tinge to them, even if you’ve never heard them before.  Speaking of the songs, let’s get into the meat of the album, shall we?




Of the 11 songs on Building The Perfect Beast, 7 are noteworthy (and we will discuss all 7 in detail).

The album kicks off with the classic “Boys of Summer.”  The vibe of the entire album is immediately cemented with this track: catchy hooks that hide meaningful lyrics.  The song feels hallow, in the best way possible.  Every time I listen to “Boys of Summer” I feel as though my summer is coming to a close and the pain of nostalgia slowly seeps in (I promise it’s a good feeling).  Anytime a song can evoke an emotion as deep as that, you have to give credit to its crafter.

Directly following “Boys of Summer” is the ode to the heartbroken, “You Can’t Make Love.”  Henley opines that you can create almost anything to give to the one you love, except love itself.  The song sounds as if Henley is retroactively warning himself against the sentiment, something anyone once in a relationship can attest to.  You often realize your mistakes after it is too late, and the song becomes relatable to anyone who has ever loved and lost.  As far as how the song is structured, a major key signature woven between desperate lyrics, makes this a textbook example of the album’s dichotomous relationship between words and music.

A few tracks down the dial is “Not Enough Love In The World.”  Very similar to “You Can’t Make Love,” “Not Enough Love In The World” is a bittersweet swan song to a now former lover, as Henley realizes he doesn’t have what it takes to keep his significant other happy and that they’ve drifted apart because of the throes of success and jealousy; he knows he still loves her but has to let her go.  Again, this entire message is layered over an almost cavity-inducing, bubblegum-pop composition and the juxtaposition of the two makes for a great midway point of the album.


Side 2 of the vinyl is where the album goes from great to spectacular, and it all starts with “All She Wants To Do Is Dance.”  The song is a social commentary about America’s “reckless” foreign policy in the 70’s and 80’s, but you can hardly tell with the saccharine major key signature and aforementioned 80’s haze.  The track is a politically charged rant disguised as a dance tune, and brilliantly so.  I can’t help but bop along to “Dance” while simultaneously feeling the heat from Henley’s comments and while I don’t whole-heartedly agree with the message, I appreciate the process.

The single track on the album that exemplifies the vibe of “late summer days,” at least musically, is the grandiose “Sunset Grill.”  A six and a half minute epic, “Sunset Grill” has the haze in spades.  What separates this track from some of the others though, is that it may be the reverse of its other brothers found on the album.  “Sunset Grill” sounds like it is about something much more sinister, thanks to the brooding synthesizers, but really it is about exactly what you hear: a restaurant in Los Angeles where the owner knows everyone’s name.

Sandwiched in between what may be two of my favorite Don Henley songs is the almost entirely missable “Driving With Your Eyes Closed.”  I can’t make heads or tails of the message in this one, but it could possibly be about going through life purposefully ignorant of all the peril around you (something I can sheepishly relate to).  Regardless, the synths and crunching guitar in the background coupled with Henley’s near falsetto vocals makes this a fun break from the sun soaked vibes of the rest of the songs, if only for a brief, fleeting moment.


Every song I have already mentioned holds a special meaning, but the song on here I absolutely adore the most is the final track on Building The Perfect Beast: “Land of the Living.”  If you can only listen to one song off of this album, make sure it is this one.  “Land of the Living” is beautifully bittersweet and evokes a cocktail of emotions in me every time I hear it.  Melancholy, nostalgia, longing, they’re all present in the 3 and a half minute run time.  The composition is a C major/A minor switch between chorus and verse, respectively, and it really meshes well with the lyrics: things happen in this world that we cannot control, but you keep me sane and I want to stay with you forever.  The feel of the song suggests he can’t, in fact, stay in the land of the living with her, and thus this song is his last coping mechanism before moving on.  The track fades out on the strength of its keyboard/bass riff and the album comes to a close; an almost too perfect to describe ending to a great album.




As far as low-lights go, this album has a few; Beast is not a perfect album by any stretch of the imagination.  “Man With A Mission” is a jarring selection to be placed after the first two tracks of the album, and its follow-up “You’re Not Drinking Enough” isn’t enough to get the taste out of our mouths.  They aren’t terrible songs, they just don’t mesh with the overarching theme of the album.

“A Month of Sundays” acts as sort of a long intro that bleeds into “Sunset Grill” but I usually skip over it.  The song is a bit too slow for my tastes, as it is a piano interlude and never really gets off the ground.

These songs are interspersed enough throughout the album so as to make it hard to just drop the needle, but if necessary I can gut through these songs to get to the good stuff.  Some of these songs are THAT worth it.




Building the Perfect Beast was a huge success in the mid-80’s, going triple platinum and reaching top 15 status on the Billboard Charts.  Critics and fans alike lauded the album for its composition and quality of songwriting, as Don Henley finally emerged from the shadows of his former band mates.

Henley waited almost five years to release his next studio effort.  The End of The Innocence was released in 1989 and although it was a critical and commercial success, it didn’t have the same impact Beast did, musically speaking.  Innocence may have the better sales numbers (6 million), but in my opinion, Beast was the better album.

Any opportunity I get to listen to Building The Perfect Beast, I relish it.  It is one of the few albums I don’t take for granted (partly because the CD of it I have in my car doesn’t play anymore).  The album transports me, mentally and emotionally, to a simultaneously happy and longing state.  Popping that CD into the slot takes me away, and I keep coming back for more.  If you have the means, pick this album up and give it a listen.  And if you ever feel the need to experience summer in 42 minutes, Don Henley has your back.


Next Album: Dirt by Alice In Chains

Pickling The Beast: Sandlot Characters Ranked


I have had several (few) people come up to me recently and say “hey, Rankster, you claim to love sports so much, but none of your posts have been about sports.” Well fear not, hypothetical critics, for this list is all about sports (well, kinda).

Everyone remembers where they were the first time they saw Sandlot. I was in 4th grade and every Friday we could trade in tickets we had earned over the week to go to different rooms with different activities set up. I chose movies every Friday for the first semester and the very first week the movie playing was none other than Sandlot. I was immediately invested from the jump. The characters were so relatable and engaging, the soundtrack was weirdly nostalgic for having a bunch of songs on it that came out 30 years before I was born, and it was about baseball (did I mention I love sports)! By the time the credits rolled, I had a new favorite sports movie.

Anytime Sandlot comes on TV, I have to cancel plans so I can catch it in its entirety (never mind the fact that I own it on DVD). Its a beautiful coming of age story that deals with campouts, crushes, and getting into trouble, stuff we all can relate to. The characters make the movie though, and after watching Sandlot for what seems like the 100th time I decided it was finally time to comb through the lineup and put numbers to faces.


It’s been a while since we’ve done a ranker so in case you’re a little rusty, the rules are as follows: 5 criterion are assigned to the cast of the movie, each ranked 1-10 with a composite score given to each character. Below are the five categories:

Likability: How likable was this character? Would you have hung out with him when you were 12?

Plot-centric: How important is this character to the plot? If they disappeared would it affect the movie?

Humor: How funny was this character every time he appeared on screen? Any great one liners?

Memorability: Even years after seeing the movie, how well do you remember this character? This is sort of an amalgamation of the first three categories.

Baseball Skill: How good was this character at their position? Hitting? Fielding?

I’m as anxious as you are to get started so let’s not waste anymore time. We’ll offer up the opening pitch with an obvious one…


9. Tommy “Repeat” Timmons: 27/50 (54%)


Likability – 5.5/10: We all had that one tagalong in our group growing up that was typically a lot younger and usually a sibling of one of our friends. That pest in the Sandlot clan just happened to be Timmy Timmons’ little brother, Tommy, better known as Repeat. Repeat earned his namesake for offering nothing original to the discourse. He would just echo whatever his older brother would say. It had its moments throughout the movie, but the gag just grew tiresome after a while. To say that Repeat was the least likable character in the movie would be arguable, as he doesn’t score the absolute lowest score in this category, beating out only one other teammate on the list. He is, however, quite insufferable throughout the run time of the movie, so you can only imagine what he would be like if you had to play with him everyday of the summer.

Plot – 5/10: Again, what exactly did Repeat contribute to this movie, plot-wise? He just stands around and plagiarizes everything his older, slightly cooler sibling says. He’s the worst baseball player of the bunch by virtue of being the youngest (more on that later), and he does nothing in the third act of the movie to help retrieve the Babe Ruth Ball. Yeah Yeah is the one on the pulley system and Smalls offers up his Erector Set prowess, but Repeat sits back and does jack in terms of getting back what may have been the most important piece of sports memorabilia of the mid-20th century.

Humor – 6/10: Similar to his brother, Repeat has his moments. Some of the things he repeats from Timmy and the subsequent reaction he gets from his piers offers some solid laughs, but as I mentioned, the humor starts to lose its punch in the second half of the movie. The shocked covering of the eyes during Squints’ bold move on Wendy Peffercorn adds a nice bit of visual humor, but its subtle at best.

Memorability – 5.5/10: If it seems like this ranker has turned into “Comedy Central’s Roast of Repeat,” its because Tommy Timmons has next to zero redeeming qualities to his name (harsh criticism for a fictional child, yes). He only outranks his brother in this category because he almost always gets the last word in, but he has very few memorable lines in the movie, with his exacerbated “The Colossus of Clout” easily being his best quote. Be honest, you didn’t leave the theater/living room/classroom with any overt fondness towards Repeat, right?

Baseball Skills – 5/10: Repeat was the youngest of the Sandlot crew, so naturally he was the weakest link on an otherwise unbeatable machine. A contact hitter who could use his speed to get down the line quickly, the smaller Timmons was a bit of a one trick pony at the plate and the fact that he was still several years from puberty meant he was a bit of a liability in the infield, both from an arm strength and range perspective. If I was managing that team, Repeat would be my 9 hitter eight days a week and twice on Sunday.


8. Bertram Grover Weeks: 29/50 (58%)


Likability – 5/10: Was there anyone more insufferable in this movie than Bertram? The answer, of course, is no. Look, I know I just spent the last five paragraphs flaming Repeat, but Bertram didn’t have the excuse of being the “tagalong younger brother” at his disposal. On top of that, he had more lines than Repeat and all of them seemed to just grate at me the longer the movie went on. He wasn’t charming like Benny, nor was he funny like Ham or Squints. He was just Bertram, and that meant he was generally kind of a know-it-all and a bit of a jerk, all things considered.

Plot-centric – 6/10: Bertram benefits extremely from one scene in the entire movie: the infamous carnival scene. Other than offering chewing tobacco to the crew (and making them deathly ill in the process), Bertram does nothing to help advance the plot. He’s just an above average baseball player who offers nothing along the lines of furthering the film along. If Bertram were taken out of the movie and replaced with another lanky 2nd baseman, we would be deprived of one of the great 90’s gross out scenes in cinema history, but other than that he’s rather useless.

Humor – 5/10: Quick, name one line Bertram offered up that you legitimately laughed at! Thats what I thought. Bertram didn’t have a single funny line in this movie… Okay he had one: right after Squints pretends to drown but before he kisses Wendy, Bertram exclaims “he looks like shit!” Its deadpan and the timing is brilliant, but aside from that, Bertram lacks the funny bone so many others on that team possessed.

Memorability – 5/10: As I mentioned in the Plot category, Bertram is memorable if only for the Big Chief scene at the carnival. He doesn’t have any memorable scenes or quotable lines throughout the entire movie. I really don’t have much else to say about Bertram in this particular instance only that he seems to be one of the better players on the team, if only for his size. Speaking of which…

Baseball Skills – 8/10: What Bertram lacks in, well, everything, he makes up for in his skill on the diamond. A great defensive infielder, Bertram had length and a great arm at second base. He was able to get around with ease in the infield and his long legs gave him sneaky speed getting down the line, much like a Christian Yelich. At the plate, Bertram had a solid bat and could hit for average as well as power, and the aforementioned long legs made him a danger on the base paths.


7. Timmy Timmons: 29.5/50 (59%)


Likability – 6/10: To be fair, there was nothing really unlikable about the elder Timmons, but he didn’t exactly give off the “need to have around” vibe either. Timmy was just your run of the mill friend who never said or did anything too out of the ordinary. He was a bit smarmy at times and him bringing his brother everywhere are both things that bring this score down, but he wasn’t an awful human being nor did he direct any personal ridicule at Smalls during the infancy of his baseball career.

Plot-Centric – 5/10: Much like his younger brother, Timmy doesn’t bring too much to the table here in terms of importance to the plot. Yes, he does come up with the pulley system to help retrieve the ball from Hercules, but that proves to be ultimately futile and a moot point at best. Timmy has been relegated to a secondary/borderline tertiary character in terms of prominence in the film. He should be happy he’s on the team, otherwise he’d be completely irrelevant to the movie.

Humor – 6/10: Timmy’s entire score in this category gets saved by one line. In the ever-popular drowning scene, right as Squints goes in for the kill on Wendy, Timmy utters the immortal words, “Oh man, he’s in deep shit!” Hearing that come out of a kid’s mouth as he watches his best bud try to stick his tongue down an older girl’s throat is just poetic, as we could easily hear ourselves saying the same thing. The timing is great and the delivery is timeless. Other than that, Timmy doesn’t exactly light the scoreboard up, in terms of humor.

Memorability – 5/10: To reiterate, other than the pool scene, Timmy lacks the memorability and big lines we’ve come to love from other characters in this film. Like most of the other players occupying the top half of this list, Timmy doesn’t have the sheer quantity of lines that we as viewers can pick from. This leaves him as one of the least memorable characters in this great movie (but he still doesn’t have the lowest score in this category).

Baseball Skill – 7.5/10: Everything Repeat does well, Timmy does better. Being the older brother, Timmy has speed like Repeat but possesses much more pop in his bat, as made evident by his AB against the snobby travel team. He’s also a much better infielder, making him one of the better players on the team; certainly above “league average.”


6. Kenny DeNunez: 30.5/50 (61%)


Likability – 7/10:  Kenny DeNunez was one of the quieter Sandlot kids, which typically meant he wasn’t saying anything mean or nice.  In this instance, it makes him one of the more well liked members of the team.  There’s not a whole lot to say about Sandlot’s ace righty other than he kind of just follows the crowd.  This doesn’t do him any favors in some of the other categories, but I also can’t remember him being that much of a jackass either, so kudos, Kenny.

Plot – 5/10:  DeNunez’s claim to fame in the story comes at the very end, where we find out he went on to play Triple-A ball.  That’s great for him, but it does nothing to advance the plot.  KD is important to the success of the Sandlot team on the diamond but off it, he doesn’t contribute much, if anything.  Five is as high as I can go here, for obvious reasons.

Humor – 5/10:  Not a lot of speaking lines were granted to Kenny DeNunez, so his score is justly low.  An exchange with Ham right before he hits a homer is the only really memorably funny moment DeNunez has in this film.  His speaking lines are noticeably absent during some of the seminal scenes in the movie, namely the pool scene and any of the ball retrieval trials.

Memorability – 4.5/10:  Other than the back and forth with Ham at the plate, is there really anything DeNunez does in this movie that is memorable?  Sure, he completely shuts down the snotty travel team with his no-hit stuff on the mound, but everyone else contributed to the slaughter as well.  Sorry to say it, but “The Heater” might be the least memorable character of the bunch, and that’s saying a lot when you share a team with Tommy Timmons.

Baseball Skills – 9/10:  Ah, KD’s saving grace!  While DeNunez lacks any sort of charisma needed to be a memorable character, he is second only to “god-in-human-form” Benny in terms of baseball skill.  It was mentioned before that DeNunez goes on to play Triple-A ball, a feat not many kids playing backyard baseball will eventually claim.  His heater is legendary, and his bat is quite live.  Kenny DeNunez is the best player not named Benny, and that alone is rather impressive.


5.  Alan “Yeah Yeah” McClennan: 35.5/50 (71%)


Likability – 6.5/10:  Yeah Yeah is a tad snarky and a bit of a scoffer, initially leading the train on making fun of Smalls in the beginning of the film, but towards the end he actually becomes one of the more likable members of the crew.  Consider this a tale of two halves for our hyper-active short stop; he really starts to grow on you by the end of the story.  His constant ribbing of his teammates, typically Squints and his affection for Wendy Peffercorn, may seem grating but its actually rather endearing.

Plot – 6/10:  Though not a complete throw away like the brothers Timmons or Bertram, Yeah Yeah doesn’t exactly bring it in this department either.  He is an integral piece to the retrieval plans of the Babe Ruth baseball but when those efforts prove to be less than fruitful, Yeah Yeah (and basically everyone else but Benny, by extension) becomes expendable.  This isn’t to say McClennan is a throw away, he just isn’t essential to the plot of the film.

Humor – 8.5/10:  Let’s face it: Yeah Yeah is hysterical.  He may seem like a bit of a one trick pony in the laughs department, but his schticks of being borderline ADHD and starting his sentences with “yeah, yeah” are actually quite humorous.  His best scene is a “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” shot of him after confronting the Beast, where he is screaming and intermittently babbling his lips like an insane person. Ah, comedy gold!

Memorability – 7/10:  Because Yeah Yeah is so funny, he becomes one of the more memorable characters.  Sure, his contributions to the plot are dubious at best, but he endears himself to us as an audience enough that he emerges as one of the more recognizable faces on the team.  As far as secondary characters go, Yeah Yeah is one of the best and most memorable.

Baseball Skills – 7.5/10:  A versatile fielder at shortstop, McClennan is talented in the hole, with both range and arm strength in his favor.  He has quick foot speed which allows him to get to balls easily and I’d imagine he’s pretty good at getting those 6-4-3 double plays going.  At the dish, Yeah Yeah doesn’t have plus power, but he is good at hitting for contact and his aforementioned foot speed makes him a danger to get on base as well as steal.  All told, Yeah Yeah ranks in the upper half of players on an already stacked team.


4.  Scott “Scotty” Smalls: 39.5/50 (79%)


Likability – 7/10:  NERD!  Just kidding (mostly).  Smalls can come off as kind of whiny from time to time and he’s a bit of a geek, but come on he’s the main character!  We HAVE to like him.  The movie does a good job of using Smalls’ faults as ways to make him a more endearing character.  He sucks at baseball early on because his dad died and his step-dad is too busy for him and he’s shy and doesn’t have a lot of friends as a result of this.  It makes him a very sympathetic character, so we just can’t help but like him… For the most part.

Plot – 10/10:  I’ll keep this short and sweet: without Scotty Smalls, there is no narrator.  Without a narrator, there is no Sandlot.  Yes, the Sandlot kids still play ball with each other every summer (albeit down a man), but we as an audience never get to hear the tales of that summer.  We never hear the legend of the Beast, or of Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez.  Anything less than a 10 in this category would be highway robbery.

Humor – 7.5/10:  In every great comedy since man discovered fire and invented the wheel, there must be a straight man; a character who is the set up man and sometimes even the butt of the jokes.  Smalls does this with masterful aplomb (whether he likes to or not remains to be seen).  The Babe Ruth ball, The Great Bambino gaff, hell, even the most quoted line in the movie (“you’re killing me, Smalls”) all come at the expense of poor Scotty.  I’ve never been very appreciative towards the comedic straight man, but in this instance I’ll make an exception.

Memorability – 8/10:  Again, with this being an amalgamation of the first three scores, Smalls ranks relatively high in this category as well.  He has many memorable lines and contributes to the plot immensely.  He is also humorous in a straight man sort of way, as well as being rather likable in the lovable loser sense.  His character arc is also super underrated, as he goes from shy introvert who is awful at baseball to adept outfielder with tons of new friends, all within a single summer.

Baseball Skills – 7/10:  Speaking of which, if we ranked Smalls at the start of Sandlot, this score would undoubtedly be a fat 0.  Thanks to a little practice and some coaching from Benny, however, Smalls turns into a rather capable baseball player on both sides of the ball.  Defensively, he is an adequate outfielder with loads of upside, particularly in the arm strength department as made evident by his game of catch with Dennis Leary.  At the plate, Smalls not only hits for contact but has hidden power, crushing the Babe Ruth ball to dead center, typically the deepest part of the field.


3.  Michael “Squints” Palledorous: 41.5/50 (83%)


Likability – 7.5/10:  For all the retorts and quips he hurls at his teammates, Squints is a really likable character.  You can tell behind the pseudo-napoleon complex that he genuinely cares for the well-being of his friends.  Squints may come off as kind of arrogant, but gosh darn it we just can’t help but like him!

Plot – 8/10:  Squints is one of the most important characters in the film.  Look at it this way, without Squints we would have no Wendy Peffercorn subplot, no Beast stories at the treehouse.  Basically, a movie about baseball and nothing more.  Remember, Squints is the one who dissuaded Smalls from just walking over to Mr. Mertle’s door and asking for the ball back.  Without that seed of doubt being planted, the entire third act of the movie and the legend of Benny pickling the Beast both cease to exist.  Squints is almost essential to Sandlot being the movie that it is, and we thank him.

Humor – 10/10:  It can be argued that Squints is the single funniest character in the movie.  He is tied with someone else on this list, but suffice to say, Squints has us laughing from beginning to end.  There are so many quotes to choose from: “L7 weenie,” “For-ever,” “Been plannin’ it for years,” the list goes on and on.  The crowning achievement and proverbial feather in the funny cap of Squints has to be his putting the moves on the lifeguard routine.  It was surprising the first time we saw it and hasn’t stopped being funny for almost 25 years (feel old yet?).

Memorability – 9/10:  Who could forget a character like Squints?  With those Coke bottle glasses and that toothy grin, he’s physically memorable.  However, he may be even more memorable for his back and forth with teenage fantasy Wendy Peffercorn, culminating in him tricking her into giving him mouth to mouth.  Judging by her appearance alone, Peffercorn was easily 5 years older than our favorite bespectacled baseball player.  The fact that he was not only able to kiss her but win her affection makes him easily the bravest character as well.  Jumping a fence to win a ball back from a man eating beast? Please!  Try even TALKING to an older woman.  Way to go, Squints!  You’re my hero.

Baseball Skills – 7/10:  Squints is the steady Eddie of the Sandlot crew.  He doesn’t have the power of Ham or Benny, nor does he have the speed or fielding acumen of Yeah Yeah, but Squints can more than hold his own on both sides.  Offensively, he’s a contact hitter with adequate speed and in the field he can track down most balls with said horsepower.  He’s a better player off the field, but he’s no slouch on it either.


2.  Hamilton “Ham” “The Great Hambino” Porter: 43.5/50 (87%)


Likability – 8/10:  It could be the pudgy build.  It could be the freckles.  It could be the fact that he’s a walking comedian.  Whatever it is, Ham is an extremely likable guy.  He has the same thing going for him as Squints: kind of a condescending a-hole at times, but still lovable.  He might be even more likable than Squints, however, because of his “friendly” disposition behind the plate at catcher.  Regardless of what makes Ham such a fun guy, there is almost no one we would rather spend our summers with as a kid.

Plot – 7.5/10:  Ham isn’t quite as important as a Smalls or a Squints, but he has his moments.  He’s mostly here for comedic relief but he does help in getting back the ball and he’s really key in some expositional moments.  For example, his home run introduces Scotty Smalls to the Beast that lives on the other side of the fence.  He even tangentially introduces Smalls to the legend of Babe Ruth, aka the Great Bambino.  The movie could march on without him, but much like the hypothetical absence of Squints, we would be worse off without him.

Humor – 10/10:  Take. Your. Pick.  Ham is a comedy gold mine from start to finish.  Who could forget the pool scene, where he introduces himself to a bunch of the “ladies” right before cannonballing and ruining their tanning spot?  Or the scene where he goes toe to toe with the captain of the snobby travel team, culminating in the classic put-down of “you play ball like a girl” (a scene that would likely trigger even the average liberal arts student nowadays, which makes it even funnier).  Ham even gives us one of the funniest and most quoted lines of the 90’s not from an episode of Seinfeld, “you’re killing me, Smalls.”  Those four words have been such a part of the American vernacular that even people who haven’t seen the movie say them.

Memorability – 9.5/10:  Ham has it all: the distinct look, the perfectly timed one-liners, and the quotes that entire generations have been regurgitating since ’93.  He is easily the most memorable part of Sandlot, even more so than Benny.  If you think that’s hyperbole, I’ll prove it.  Think back to the last time you heard someone say that famous line of Ham’s.  Great!  Now try to remember anything Benny said.  I rest my case.

Baseball Skills – 8.5/10:  With Benny going on to play for the L.A. Dodgers and DeNunez making it as far as Triple-A, the metaphorical doorstep of the Major’s, it stands to reason that Ham is the third best baseball player on the team.  His power, aside from Benny, knows no equal and he even homered off of the aforementioned DeNunez, meaning he got one over on someone who almost made it to the big leagues (quick side note: my cousin Jay once struck out Prince Fielder in a high school game.  Pretty sweet, right?!  Anyway, I digress).  What may go under appreciated about Ham, however, is his defense at the catcher position.  He was a force behind the plate on offense, but on defense, his constant chatter and perfect framing made it impossible for opposing hitters to get anything going.


1.  Benjamin Franklin “The Jet” Rodriguez: 44.5/50 (89%)


Likability – 9/10:  Was there ever any doubt?  Of course not!  Benny is not only by far the most likable guy because of how freaking cool he was, he was also insanely humble too.  He was better than everyone he played against, and he knew it, but he was a team guy and a supportive friend.  When Smalls showed up and had no idea what the hell he was doing, Benny didn’t give up on him.  He took him under his wing and saw to it that Smalls would become the baseball player he knew he could be.  There is something to be said for a grown man who puts others before himself, and it’s even more impressive that Benny had barely hit puberty.  Wise beyond his years, they say.

Plot – 10/10:  Again, much like Smalls, without Benny there is no Sandlot.  Benny put the team together and was the last one to move away.  He built the Sandlot team from nothing.  Without The Jet, there is no story to tell.  Smalls never has the courage to talk to the Sandlot kids, and the legend of pickling the Beast never happens.  So many key events take place because of Benny; no Benny, no Sandlot.  No heroes getting remembered, and no legends never dying.

Humor – 6/10:  Every man has a weakness.  This is a theory I have postulated many times when jealousy rears its ugly head over a potential competitor for the affections of a woman I fancy.  Benny is no exception (not that we ever competed over the same woman, but the rules still apply).  Sure he’s good looking and an exceptional athlete, but he doesn’t have the funny bones guys like Squints and Ham have.  That must be why Wendy chose the former over the future MLB’er.  Yeah, sure, that’s it…

Memorability – 9.5/10:  Benny lacks the funny lines and physical comedy of Hamilton Porter, but he has the charm and charisma as well as the accolades to more than make up for this.  Who could forget Benny pickling the Beast, showing no fear as he jumped that fence in his fresh pair of P.F. Flyers?  Or how about when he knocked the stuffing out of that baseball, something “like only two or three guys in history” had done since?  I still argue that Ham was the more memorable character, but as an ideology of bravery and courage, no one was better than Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez.

Baseball Skills – 10/10:  The dude played for the Dodgers.  What more of an explanation do you want?  Benny could play every position on the field as good or better than the people who actually held those positions on a daily basis.  He was such a good hitter he could literally pick his spot to within inches, as he showed when he hit a popup right to the outstretched glove of Smalls in center field.  He was even faster than a full grown dog.  For crying out loud, Benny outran a dog!  He may be the greatest fictional baseball player of all time, and if you disagree, be sure to let me know so I can ignore your terrible opinion (kidding).